August 2006

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Lies & Sea Stories

And, Isnít That A Lesson For All Of Us?

By Big Mike

The federal Department of Aquatic Insecurity has a little-known component called the Office of Boating Lessons Learned. Mr. Thaddeus Q. Glockenspiel, director of the OBL, has kindly agreed to share some of those lessons learned,

Lesson #1

When you get back to the dock after a day on the water, always count your fingers and toes. If the sum is less than it was when you started out, proceed immediately to the emergency room.

Lesson #2

Gasoline and diesel fuel are not interchangeable. Putting diesel into a gasoline engine will help your marine mechanic fully fund his retirement. Putting gasoline into a diesel engine will allow you to take the Alice Kramden Signature Tour of the Moon.

Lesson #3

It is wise to carry spare parts on your boat. If you carry enough spare parts to deal with very possible emergency, your boat will sink from the weight

Lesson #4

No matter how many screwdrivers you have in your toolbox, the one you need is one you donít have.

Lesson #5

If someone goes overboard when your boat is traveling at high speed, do not throw the person a line secured to the boat. Chances are that the person wonít be able to grab it. If he or she does, re-read Rule No. 1.

Lesson #6

If you choose to navigate using road maps instead of nautical charts, make sure you stick to the highways. Road maps pay scant attention to things such as rocks, shallows, and yacht-club bars ó all of which are vitally important to the boater.

Lesson #7

Learn to use correct nautical terminology on your boat. Donít, for example, call something a "thingamabob" when it is, in fact, a "whoozis." This can led to confusion.

Lesson #8

Smoking while refueling is extremely unwise. Fuel vapors can ruin the taste of your cigarette.

Lesson #9

When operating at night, use red lights in all areas of the boat so that you preserve your night vision. Be careful, though, if you raft up, since you may create an illegal red-light district.

Lesson #10

Always keep in mind that your insurance agent works for the insurance company, not you.

Lesson #11

Always remember that a yacht broker works for the seller, not you.

Lesson #12

Always keep in mind that the person who reviews luxury yachts works for a secret cabal that wants to drive cash-strapped boaters crazy with dreams of boats they canít afford Ė not you.