September 2006

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International Day Of The ‘Arrr’, Sept. 19

Lies & Sea Stories (Sh)

International Day Of The ‘Arrr’, Sept. 19

By Big Mike Davis

Avast ye wenches and wastrels, arrr! International Talk Like A Pirate Day approacheth on the 19th.

So, deep six yer schoolroom palaver and join with Big Mike Stuffingbox the Pirate to learn how to talk the pirate talk and learn the pirate ways, arrr! Isn’t that right, Penelope Parrot?

"Rawwk! Whatever you say, you superannuated imbecile. Give me a Carr’s Classic Table Water Cracker, not one of those sawdust amalgamations."

In school, ye learnt the three R’s: readin’, writin’, and ’rithmetic. To talk like a pirate, ye bilge-swimmin’ marmoset, ye need to know the three arrr’s.

First, arrr can mean "Do ye understand?" or "Are ye payin’ attention?" like me first sentence in this screed.

Second, it can mean ye are displeased, as in "Arrr! I shouldn’t have been wavin’ good-bye with me hook durin’ a lightnin’ storm."

Third, arrr means whatever a pirate wants it to mean. Arr-de-arr-de-arr-arr!

"Rawwk! Dear heaven! Why did I ever leave Lord Fezziwig’s shoulder? "Romance of life at sea." Balderdash!"

Ye’ve also got to learn to use seagoing words whenever ye can. Ye don’t say, "I’ll have a glass of wine, if you please." Ye say, "Hoist me up some grog, or I’ll teach ye a new way to use belaying pin."

Ye don’t say, "Golly, it’s hot today." Ye say, "Roast me scuppers, it’s hot enough to melt the barnacles off the anchor."

Ye don’t say, "Hurry up, if you would." Ye say: "Move yer baggywrinkled back side."

"Rawwk! And I won the debating prize when I was at Oxford. I’m in Hell."

Shut yer beak, you inside-out bag of feathers, and get ready to bust yer bodkin laughing.

Pirate Joke: Why couldn’t the 13-year-old boy get in to see the pirate movie? Because it was rated Arrr.

"Rawwk. Ha. Ha. Ha."

A parrot on the shoulder be traditional, though some parrots would be better used as chum. But, if ye really want to make the other pirates strike their colors, walk into the bar with a condor on yer shoulder.

A parakeet, though, will earn ye buckets of scorn. Dogs be OK pets, so long as they be pirate-like. A Doberman pinscher be good; a Doberman pinscher with a hook be better. Belay the Yorkshire terriers and shih-tzus: Some swab’s parrot might make a meal of ’em.

Now true pirates know they can improve on the work of nature by swappin’ out some body parts. Hooks and peg legs and eye patches be the usual, but modern pirates, most who’ve done time in the Swiss army, replace fingers with screwdrivers, corkscrews, fishhook extractors, and magnifying glasses.

"Rawwk! And you would be greatly improved by substituting a cannonball for that thing you call a head."

Now just so ye don’t think pirates are without culture, here’s some poetry about a pirate whose choice of prosthesis was tragic.

A pirate named Anvil-leg Pete,

Said: "Blast! I can’t stands this heat!"

A-swimmin’ he went,

Couldn’t stop his descent,

And that’s all there is to re-Pete.

"Rawwk! From odes and sonnets, I am reduced to limericks. There is no god."

Now, last of all, pirates don’t eat sissy dishes like the landlubbers do. I’m going to show you how to cook a pirate favorite: Parrot flambé.

"Rawwk! Rawwk! Rawwk! Shiver me timbers."

For more information about International Talk Like A Pirate Day, go to www.talklikeapirate.com.

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